Best Rock Lyrics Ever 15

i love the dead
before they're cold
their bluing flesh
for me to hold
cadaver eyes
upon me see
...nothing

The Rarest Day On The Calendar

I don't know about you, but I am busy celebrating the rarest day on the calendar-- that's right:

HAPPY LEAP YEAR DAY!

Congratulations on your calendar correction! I hope it lasts for 4 more years! (winky) I don't have alot of time because I am busy building my leap year kite that I will fly for the traditional 29 minutes before cutting the string and making my leap year wish as I watch the kite fly off into the ether... Then I will partake in the traditional February 29th meal of clotted liver biscuits and sheep's blood, before assembling the family around the burning furniture for a reading of Carrot Top's leap year classic, The First Leap Year Feast For Johnny and Jimmy. By then, the children will be mighty drowsy from their once-every-four-years treat: an entire bottle of NyQuil each! And then, of course, as is customary on February 29th, I will strip naked and fire my gun into the air 29 times before going to bed with visions of the rarest day on the calendar dancing in my head.

Happy Leap Year, Everybody!

You're Nuts! 12

Brazil Nut

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 14

I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
I'm living in a powder keg
and giving off sparks

Whipped Turnip Puff With Fluffy White Frosting

Whipped Turnip Puff

1 pound turnips, peeled and cut
1/2 cup chopped onions
2 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 dash pepper
3/4 cup soft bread crumbs
2 eggs

Fluffy White Frosting

1 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
2 egg whites
1 teaspoon vanilla

Puff: Cook turnips and onion in a small amount boiling, salted water until tender. (10-20 minutes) Drain. Add butter, sugar, salt and pepper; beat well with electric mixer or mash with potato masher. Add bread crumbs and eggs; beat well. Turn into lightly greased 1-quart casserole. Bake, uncovered at 375º F for 35 to 40 minutes. Let cool 15 minutes before frosting.

Frosting: In a saucepan combine sugar, cream of tartar, 1/3 cup water, and a dash salt. Cook and stir till bubbly and sugar dissolves. In a mixer bowl combine egg whites and vanilla. Add sugar syrup very slowly to unbeaten egg whites while beating constantly at high speed of mixer about 7 minutes or till stiff peaks form. Frost puff and serve.

Makes 4 to 6 servings.

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 13

when you think about death, do you lose your breath
or do you keep cool?
would you like to see the pope on the end of a rope?
do you think he's a fool?

Followed By Jai-Alai

My favorite onomatopoeia-named game is ping pong.

You're Nuts! 11

Bunya

International Excuse Day 10

I poured 25.37 gallons of Benjamin Moore Moorcraft Super Craft® Latex Semi-Gloss Enamel 252 'Regal Rouge' paint on your antique rug because I am a huge fan of Ebn-Ozn.

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 12

uptown girl
she's been living in her uptown world
i bet she never had a backstreet guy
i bet her mother never told her why
i'm gonna try

74 Smart People

Every state except North Dakota grew in the last year. North Dakota lost an estimated 74 people and now has a population of just under 634,000.

You're Nuts! 10

Filbert

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 11

in and around the lake
mountains come out of the sky
and they STAND THERE!

Hide The Gerbil

I wasn't really so surprised to see the rats in the kitchen. What with all the day-old loaves of bread, stacks of cheese and open jars of peanut butter lying around, I guess I should have expected it. But, when they burst in-- all wearing baby-blue-tuxedos, line dancing to the Billy Ray Cyrus song blasting out of their tiny boom-box, (where did they find that thing anyway?) carrying a sacrificial salamander-- that is when I was taken slightly aback. The sacrifice cerermony didn't last more than 30 minutes, and was actually quite beautiful, what with all the singing and crying and hugging, and palpable hope that next year's harvest wouldn't be so bleak. That is, it was beautiful until I was the one stuck cleaning all the virgin salamander blood off the kitchen floor.

The Truth About Me

When I am walking on a train platform, and a train starts moving, (or worse yet two trains start moving-- one to my left and one to my right) I get vertigo.

You're Nuts! 9

Cashew

Compare & Contrast

Hank Williams never recorded with a drummer, but Hank Williams III recorded with Dale Crover. Discuss.

Happy Towel Day!

The entire staff of Celebratory Air-Bump want to wish you and your family a warm and heartfelt

Happy Towel Day!

When Towel Day carolling, please stop by my house for some traditional coffee grounds and liver cookies!

Pass the towel my way, I need to wipe!

International Excuse Day 9

I accidentally killed your small child and pet hamster because 'I Dream of Jeannie' was on TV.

Wonders O. Internetulation

Here at Celebratory Air-Bump World Headquarters, my staff and I receive literally hundreds of spam emails every day. And while I believe that the people who send these out should have their flesh slowly removed with a butter knife and then the fleshless bodies should be rolled around in a salt-vinegar mixture (for hours), I have found mild enjoyment in these (randomly-generated?) names in my "from" column in the past week or so:

Pents O. Xanthippe
Alcoholism T. Gravy
Theories D. Sparrer
Dick Pfeiffer
Actuary D. Mortally
Lounge A. Seldom
McConnell O. Glue
Transferral P. Dated
Discombobulate G. Oversupplying
Hiram R. Mooney
Harriett Cypert
Clotilda
Refugee O. Oracles

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 10

crazy, crazy horse in Paris, France
crazy, crazy horse in Paris, France
crazy, crazy horse in Paris, France
Paris, France, baby!

You're Nuts! 8

Chestnut

Mel Gibson's Father Is An Anti-Semite

Mel Gibson's Father Is An Anti-Semite

You're Nuts! 7

Pistachio

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 9

I got a sickness
sweet as a love note
I got a headache
like a pillow

I Want Quarters In My Underwear, Too!

Y'know those guys who paint themselves grey and stand in a public place and pretend to be statues until a little kid puts a quarter in their underwear and then they breakdance? Those guys piss me off.

You're Nuts! 6

Hazelnut

What'choo Talkin Bout Fernseher?

Well, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum; what might be right for you, may not be right for some. What I'm saying here is that it takes dif'frent strokes, it takes dif'frent strokes it takes dif'frent strokes to rule the world. But that is beside the point, the point is: when you feel life getting you down, or you feel your hunger pokin at ya, pokin at ya, you need to turn to a higher power. Lay all your troubles on the TV. TV will make everything better. Watch for 15-17 hours straight. It will make your life turn around, I promise. (even watching shopping channels will help) It's just like in that PJ Harvey song where she sings, "Throw your pain in the river..." Throw your pain in the river of cathode ray-produced light and feel the weight of the world magically lift from your shoulders. It is therapeutic, informative, healing, and overall: worth your time.

TV: the future of therapy

Best (Rock) Lyrics Ever 8

It's after the end of the world
don't you know that yet?

International Excuse Day 8

I squandered 15 million dollars (in two weeks) on fashion magazines and red vines because my mouth was dry.

You're Nuts! 5

Macadamia

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 7

I hold the fresh pink baby
with a smile
I slice off those rosy cheeks
because I feel so thirsty

You're Nuts! 4

Pecan

Iron Crotch

You, you giant robot
I kicked you in your iron crotch
as hard as I could
in the rain

And I, I- puny human
was the only one to feel pain
and now all I hope
is for rust

International Excuse Day 7

I flew the plane into the ground because I had to fart and didn't want everyone onboard to smell it.

Classic Movie Moment

Remember that movie where Christopher Walken is all, "You're an Italian" and Dennis Hopper is all, "You're a Sicilian monkey" and Walken is all, "You eat linguine" and Hopper is all, "I don't eat linguine, you monkey" and Walken is all, "Then you better just kill me 'cause Rosanna Arquette just ran away with my son" and Hopper is all, "I always thought David Arquette was radder" and Walken is all, "No way. Really, just kill me." then Hopper is all, "Man, you're not so bad, and you're a good dancer" and Walken is all, "Did'ja see me in that Fatboy Slim video? I was ripping up the place!" and Hopper is all, "Yeah, did'ja see me when I was all-- hey that colonel Kurtz man he tells the truth or whatever?" and Walken is all, "How long is this gonna take, cause I got some linguine boiling for you you fuckin Italian." That was the best. I love that scene.

You're Nuts! 3

Peanut

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 6

'Cause you're the grooviest girl in the world
you're a feminine portrait of grace
yeah, you're the grooviest girl in the world
and I'm a guy with impeccable taste-ah

You're Nuts! 2

Walnut

Sensitive Moment

Is there anything more beautiful than a plastic bag caught in an updraft? If there is, I don't want to know about it. Or, if there is, and I find out about it, I want to hunt it down and kill it. Or, if I find out there is something more beautiful, but it is inanimate, (two plastic bags caught in an updraft, maybe?) then I will have to create some sort of mind-zap machine that forces all who see said beautiful thing to forget about it entirely, and replace that memory with memories of Mel Gibson or piles of fingernail clippings or something.

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 5

Love you, such a sweet thing
good enough to eat thing
and that's just what I'm gonna do

You're Nuts! 1

Almond

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 4

I was born underground
I have two horns
and I'm gonna make love
to unicorns

International Excuse Day 6

I made scrambled eggs instead of ham salad because I was thinking about the mating habits and migration routes of narwhals.

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 3

Two-headed dog
two-headed dog
I've been working in the Kremlin
with a two-headed dog

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 2

If you're all alone
when the pretty girls have gone
honey, I'm still free
take a chance on me

International Excuse Day 5

I had sex with your wife because my father is into prime numbers.

Best Rock Lyrics Ever 1

Return of the Fly
Return of the Fly
with Vincent Price
yeah, Return of the Fly

A Function (sic) You Won't Want To Miss!

Invitation to the Celebratory Air-Bump 20th Post Anniversary Extravaganza!
The night's guests include:

Yoko Ono!
David Spade!
Paris or Nikki Hilton!
Lionel Richie!
Yahoo Serious!
Leo Sayer!
TV's Fran Drescher!
Leeza Gibbons!
Daniel Küblböck!
Adrian Zmed!
Linkin Park!
Ed Buschera!
Rachel Ward!
Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka!
Todd Bridges!
Corey Feldman!
...and many more

As well as your hosts for the evening:
Gallagher and Rush Limbaugh

Free appetizers and drinks!

On the menu:
Cat food on a stick
Rocks and fresh ground pepper
Buttered eyes
Sauerkraut & grape jelly stuffed mushrooms

And our world famous raw potatoes!

Where: Jimmy's Lick 'em and Stick 'em
21542 South Industrial Drive
Champagne, Illinois 21331

When: Thursday, February 12, 2004
5:35 AM

Please RSVP: (415) 626-2311

International Excuse Day 4

I shot your dog in the head because I am scared of heights.

International Excuse Day 3

I didn't lay the foundation for your new house because I contracted herpes.

Maybe Even a Salamander...?

OK, so you know that "scientific" theory about throwing a frog in boiling water? You know, the one that says if you put the frog in cold water and gradually raise the heat until the water is boiling, you will kill the frog, but if you try to throw the frog in water that is already boiling, he will simply jump out? Well, I think these wannabe-sadists aren't trying hard enough. Because if you get a pot that is tall enough, then put boiling water in the bottom, then throw in the frog, he won't be able to jump high enough, and will die in the boliling water. Also, I think the theory might apply to freezing. That is: put the frog in cold water and gradually decrease the temperature until you have a frog-cicle. I think it would work, but I don't have time to try it right now. And I don't have a frog.

International Excuse Day 2

I forgot to buy cat food because my toilet was clogged.

The Wishes of Porno Actors Go Unfulfilled

When I grow up, I'm gonna say, "Fuck the rules!" and wear flip-flops to bed and eat ice cream for breakfast and cut my fingers off one-by-one and use elmer's glue instead of hairspray and join some sort of union and spend all my spare money on gummi bears and pain killers.

Serenity of the Elders: A One-Act Play

This play stars Matt Damon as Johnny and Keanu Reeves as Donny.

Scene: a living room in Lawrence, Kansas circa 1987

Johnny: Hey Donny, I'm gonna go shoot craps in the alley with Buggy-- wanna come?
Donny: Dude! I HATE Buggy!
Johnny: What? Since when? Why do you hate Buggy?
Donny: Aww... You're right. He's pretty cool. Want some Ju-Ju Bees?
Johnny: You bet! (pauses, but takes no Ju-Ju Bees) After craps, wanna set dogs on fire again?
Donny: (perplexed look) Again?
Johnny: Yeah, you know-- Again, as in 'a second time'?
Donny: Oh! Again! Yeah, sure. Want some Ju-Ju Bees?

End

What About the Time(s) You Attacked the Philly Phanatic?

"That was the most disgusting thing that I have ever seen at a sports spectacle," said baseball coach Tommy Lasorda in Los Angeles.

International Excuse Day

I forgot to call you because my fingers are broken.

My PINs

Hey, in case anyone was wondering, my PIN for my bank card is: 225571 (Wells Fargo). My PIN for my email account is 7johnny55 (yahoo). To get into the files for this very blogg, you will need this PIN: lucKFish (case sensitive). To get into my eBay account, just use this: lucKFish7 (I know, I know, but I couldn't think of anything else). And finally, to log onto New York Times website under my name, simply type in user: clambake PIN: nytimesrulez. I just wanted to get that out of the way, y'know-- no secrets. We're all friends here on the internet.

Glenn Frey Could Out-Harsh Those Pussies

Hey, I just got a hot tip for all Kenny Loggins fans: according to All Music Guide, if you are into Loggins, but are looking for something "harsher, more aggressive", then you should TOTALLY check out Huey Lewis and the News. Additionally, if you are still into Kenny Motherfuckin Loggins, but think you could go for something "more sensual, playful", then get yourself down to the music store (post-haste) and pick up some James Chance and the Contortions. You won't be sorry.