Stained Phantom

Unastoundingly, this all came as a hammer blow on a reasonably large river. Made from posts with planks between them and rubbed lightly with oil, the potato salad and chicker were very good. Oblivious to the entire feast, there was Jimmy again and he was clearly locked in as he strolled on deck with a towel, in search of his next victim/companion. It’s like his own personal dye is added in the reaction system and its fluorescence is detected by the potential mate. In fact, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has asked a team of advisors to come up with recommendations for proper spellings of every conceivable word in any language that rhymes with ‘jolly’, in order to possibly stem the flow of said dye.

Microstoria “File Care” (buy)

Stands, Shouts and All

The hostess/model of TVs The Big Showdown, Heather Cunningham, informed us that nigricans-- a velvety, mossy, flat warty-like, darkened skin change occurring at the neck, the armpits (axillae) and underneath the breasts—are not only quite tasty when fried with chicken livers and cherry tomatoes, but, that was indeed what she was preparing for tonight’s meal.

“Additionally,” she shouted from the kitchen, “I am aware of the proper way to streak a T58.”

I never even saw her set the dinner table, but then *poof!* dinner was served.

Pam Johnson “Pterodactyl” (bunny)

Trampoline Dinner Disaster

“Aw, Christ!” Mike groaned, wincing as he crushed up his mouthful into chunks small enough to swallow, “The turquoise tiles had just begun to shimmer!”

I jokingly suggested to Mike that maybe he would like to re-chew his mouthful to guarantee success, trying to divert his attention from the currently non-shimmering tiles.

“115,338 silkworm pupae on your mother’s house!” he replied with an angry look, obviously not pleased with my suggestion.

With that, we decided to boost ourselves back into our little scoot-mechanisms and move on.

Doctors of Madness “Suicide City” (buy)

Like When They Do The 'Ooh-Oohs'

I took a quick break in order to rub and rub at the brown spot with an old rag, some mushed-up banana and a little bit of spit for 25 seconds or so (or maybe it was 25 minutes—I always confuse the two) and it seemed like nothing was happening. The smell wouldn’t go away, and every time I would succomb to my natural impulse to cover my mouth to try and filter it out, I would naturally gag and/or vomit since my hands were covered with the stuff. Plus, my eyes were burning like someone had poured 8 ounces of Maui Joe’s Analyze This – XXX Garlic Pepper Hot Sauce directly into each.

In spite of all this, I still managed to roll a motherfucking Yahtzee!

Kunt “Captain Ace and the Fucking Fantastics” (info)

My Brown Forklift

Top Six:

1. currently totally (totally) into oceanography
2. horses with pet dogs
3. large number of inorganic materials in the solid state, si-cw up-conversion
in films of PF doped by various MOEPs. The pump intensities are five orders.
4. dream sequence: the big boat glided easily through the ...
5. *new* soda pop for babies
6. mutter

Harry Revel, Dr. Samuel J. Hoffman and the Theremin “Possession” (buy)

Very Fastly Empowering²

Position: Laughing Assistant
Position Type: Full-Ti. 20-23 Hours/day
Start Date: Immedediately-ish
Salary: $10.50-$62,000.50/month d.o.e.
Date Posted: Sept. 21, 2005
Experience: 2-7 Min. in Related Field
Education: High School
Language Skills: Several

Job Description: Must show outstanding skills as Laughing Assistant, with strong focus on Second Justaceous Era, Heater Repair and other similar points, moortunast of skill level in all related, and un-related business models thereof. Must be able to carry 27 books of our choosing at once, regardless of size and weight. Must never wonder.

Job Responsibilities: All skills commonly associated with Laughing Assistant, as well as that of Chuckling Assistant. Attentio: position will be monitored by hidden cameras and judged by a panel of three, possibly resulting in replacement, shuffling or reprimandtion.

Fax or Email Resumé and Cover Letter to:
Mr. Reynolthanst
5600 Roswell Road, 265 East
Atlanta, GA 30342

Traditional Band from Tura feat. Tibor "Friss Csàrdàs" (buy)

Someone Get To Work On Filling Those Condoms With Orange Juice

Suggested slogans:

If our pictures make you hurt, enjoy a Squirt™.
If our photos make you scream, join a curling team.
If our pics make you feel like stone cold hatin’, grab some food and start masticatin’.
If our photographs make you feel like a ruptured can of propane, spin around two times and eat a baby’s brain.

The Crucifucks “Go Bankrupt and Die” (buy)

Undergarments Recommended When Using

Pallet Stone Inspection Powder is a kind of Inspection Powder fine manufactured by modern hi-tech process from nature silk, it is 100% dissolved in water, and it contains more than 10 kinds of absorbency helmet wheels needed by our body. Absorbed by our body, the product can promoted new cell growth, constantly supply to scarfskin, make it smooth, fine, red and moist, flexibility, enhancing our immuning ability, helping our metabolism so as to recuperate and care our skin, staving aging, clam down, improve brains. Furthermore, the product has goodish assistant to defending or curing cancer, so it is a kind of perfect additive for nature foods, nurture and cosmetic. The product has no antiseptic, no permission.

Styx “She Cares” (buy)

Wishes Wasted, Rocks Tumbled

Wichita security guard Lowell Wooten has some straight talk for the announcer of TVs The Magnificent Marble Machine, Johnny Gifford. He was recently quoted by the Tallaramy Times-Tribune as saying, “You, the announcer of TVs The Magnificent Marble Machine, Johnny Gifford, did not invent the hot-air popcorn popper! There have been records of that found as far back as 1877! And in Mississippi, when everyone knows you and your family come from Tennessee, you knit-locking whore-wisher!”

A spokesman for the announcer of TVs The Magnificent Marble Machine, Johnny Gifford had no comment.

Jack Klugman’s Home Address:
22548 Pacific Coast Highway
Malibu, CA
90265-5053

Dickie McBride “I Don’t Get No Lovin’” (buy)

Child-Shaped Babies Wailed Around Him

Dear Joyce DeWitt,

This afternoon I got my eyelids waxed. Wow, were they hairy! It only cost $26, but it burned like a motherfucker, and now I can barely see on the rare occasion that I can open my eyes even a crack, so I am dictating this letter to my amazing typing parrot, Tony.

Anyway, I hope that all is going well with that bone replacement or whatever.

All the beast,
2T&AC

Mick Turner “Marlan III” (buy)

I’m’a’cessorize

Last evening, I became the newly-formed coalition government! Isn’t that exciting? Hopefully, that means that representatives from all sides of the political spectrum will accept my invitation to dinner so that we can all enjoy some delicious centrist turkey together. We will most likely also be serving some concession potatoes and some hard-line salad! As a budget cutting manoeuver, however, I must request that everyone bring their own party logo napkins with which to wipe the egg off each other’s faces.

I will get the ball rolling right away by lifting my glass of bitter medicine in honor of my own new, slimming coalition look and matching shoes!

John Cage & Lejaren Hiller “HPSCHD (Excerpt)” (buy)

From The Wrong End Of The Scope

Yet one thing remains as certain as it was in 1962: Four very small, obovid nutlets within the withered remains of each pollinated flower trace the progression of his mercilessly burned wife who had to help him to the car and metal-working shops, their eyebrows and many of the ingredients of a vestigial stub. Their left lung is still there, dry at all times.

Today, smelter workers convert toxic dust into road cinders.

Karen Sokolof Javitch “Medley of Nations” (buy)

What Are You Eating Under There?

Last weekend, I had to go to a funeral. It’s OK though, because the dead chick was totally hot! In fact, she was so hot, I had mourning wood! It was a little embarrassing, and I started to feel a little uncomfortable, so I grabbed an old lady’s poodle and headed to the bathroom for some tension release. Then some other stuff that I don’t really want to talk about happened that forced me to declare a fatwa on the living, and I started waging holy war on the other funeral-goers.

Later that night, I watched a really, really funny episode of Charles In Charge in my hotel room.

Hazel O’Connor “Eighth Day” (buy)

Another Brick Bites The Dust In The Wall

Immediately after falling from my slidey-pad on the three-story mega-slide at the fair and getting friction burns all over both thighs, both arms and the entire left side of my body, as well as losing all the hair and skin from that back of my head, I had a strong craving for corn dogs. I slipped the ambulance driver a quick fifty to persuade him to stop at the Nifty-Freeze for the 2 corn dog/fries/shake special. I treated all the medics to whatever they wanted and we had a really nice time together. It was really good to hang out with them for a little while. To be perfectly honest, I was a little bit sad when we rolled up to the hospital.

Bata Illic “Svalutation” (buy)

Me Science

While trying to choose between a clump of hair and Jimmy Smits as their president, the carpenters’ union spent a record 97 hours in the deliberation room, (which was actually a utility closet in the local grade school) and emerged with no clear victor. A move was made to void the election and simply have the taxidermy elk preside for another year, but eventually the assistant on TVs Celebrity Bowling, Bill Buneta stepped to the podium with an axe in his hand and threatened to destroy the podium if the taxidermy owl was not installed as president.

The taxidermy owl went on to become one of the most popular presidents in the history of the union.

Betty Davis “Ooh Yea” (buy)

Hairing Up For The Winter

John Ratzenberger: Do you ever have that chalky dry taste in the middle of the night?
The Announcer of TVs You Don’t Say, John Harlan: Sure. Since I was 5, 6...
John Ratzenberger: Like that kind of mouth full of lint kind of thing?
The Announcer of TVs You Don’t Say, John Harlan: Yup, every fucking night.
John Ratzenberger: Did you ever watch Thundercats?
The Announcer of TVs You Don’t Say, John Harlan: Sure, of course, everybody did. Dad would put it on the old radiola every night when he came home from World War II. (pause) Why?
John Ratzenberger: Just sayin’.

Bert Beugeling “The DJ Mix”
Bert Beugeling “Why Am I Not Making Fun”
(bunnies)