Natürlich Kriegst Du Was Von Uns

...Del Mar wagering pools are large, fields have swollen and the conducting pathway (yellow line) has been altered, mutual payoffs are fat... But aside from that, posing in that sun-drenched winner’s circle, smiling for the camera --with none other than the host of TVs The Money Maze, Nick Clooney (wearing nothing but a speedo, showing off)—is my aunt Patsy, smoking a Kool® 100...

Anton Garcia Abril and Marcello Giambini “Seli (Main Title)” (buy)

Roll With Flour And Breadcrumbs

The announcer of TVs Tattletales, Jack Clark’s current duties consist of travelling the country to "teach large groups of real people how to find their groove thing and really shake it.”

“In the usual movement people think of when they hear the word "shimmy", the hips make an up-and-down or side-to-side motion. In a forward-and-back shimmy, the hips make a forward-and-back motion, and I get to meet hot chicks.” he said.

Geza X and the Mommymen “Hungarian” (buy)

International Excuse Day 23

I wired your Guidant Corp. implantable defibrillator to your KitchenAid Pro Line Chef’s Blender because my Wednesday night Cheyenne Western Dancing class was moved from the The US Geological Survey's Water Science for Schools™ Activity Center to the alley behind the animal shelter.

Philip Jeck “Lambing” (buy)

Tree: Mend Us, Legs Up

...seriously doubt your layers... - Finicky Feline
...made me burst into flame... - Fancy Feat
...You have a sunnies face/head. - LMD
...Oh my god. You've got rabies! - Sour Marly
...i have permission to shoot you – The Announcer of TVs Name That Tune, John Harlan
...is your 'wife' really your real 'wife'/gf? - Powerpuff

Paulina Rubio “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” (buy)

Steel Shamrock Blamed For Crushed Luck

11:15 am. meeting with Boss™ re: re-reading and rediscovering virtue. almost pooped pants.
11:37 am. back at desk. squeezed out very saucy fart. thought i pooped pants. went in bathroom to check—everything ok.
12:30 pm. small talk in kitchen. almost pooped pants.
1:00 pm. lunch at dog n dive. forgot to wash hands.
2:10 pm. worked on powerpoint presentation for elk’s lodge.
3:45 pm. meeting with james chrysler of chrysler re: nachos. pooped pants, but only a little.
4:55 pm. day almost over! c’mon 5:30! wooooooo! peed a little in pants
5:30 pm. on the way out the door, caught pants on rusty nail, ripped entire leg off
6:30 pm. dinner—sausages.

Anne LaPlantine “Anne Hamburg (Excerpt)” (buy)

Further Attempts Would Be Seen As Futile

In March 1989, the host of TVs Gambit, Wink Martindale crashed his experimental plane directly into the No Man’s Land between East and West Germany. As he climbed unharmed out of the smoldering rubble, he famously quipped, "I’ll take a hoagy with extra mayo!" This light-hearted remark is said to be approximately 37% responsible for the fall of the Berlin wall later that year.

Mort Garson "Three-Five-Zero-Zero" (buy)

Turbulent Aftershave

At the fashion show, the Kabuki masks were malfunctioning, leaving several of the models faceless. However, the brie was exquisite, and little Johnny managed to swindle several of the guests out of money, jewelry and house pets with his special brand of sleight-of-hand, so it wasn’t a total bust. Afterwards, we watched every episode of Friends on dvd in a marathon of sentimental hilarity. Danny sure is a hunk, and wow! Is that Penelope dumb!

Ilhan Mimaroglu “Intermezzo” (buy)

26,000 Pies In A Cul De Sac

0 ???
1 SUL
4 CUT.FACE
2 DEEP__SUL
31 LOBULE.paraflocculus_dorsal
29 LOBULE.H_VII_crus_II
5 Vermis_Posterior
6 LOBULE.I
7 LOBULE.H_II
10 LOBULE.H_IV
8 LOBULE.H_III
9 LOBULE.H_V
11 LOBULE.X
11 LOBULE.IX
13 LOBULE.H_VI
AA LOBULE.VII_B
17 LOBULE.VIII_B
14 LOBULE.H_VI_crust_Lp
18 LOBULE.H_VII_A_crust_Lp
22 THE_HOST_of_TVs_Match_Game_’75_Gene_Rayburn
02.2 LOBULE.H_VII_PML
21 LOBULE.H_VII_B
29 LOBULE.III
25 LOBULE.IV
30 LOBULE.V
27 LOBULE.VI

Eazy-E “Ruthless Villain” (buy)

Teeming With Wizardry

Then, when I was walking out of the post office today, who did I see but the announcer of TVs $20,000 Pyramid, Charlie O'Donnell aka The Goden Forester! Not only that, but he was about to mail his own package—JUST LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!

Also, I wanted to mention that no one should forget to call my dad and wish him a happy 23rd anniversary of his accident and subsequent long and painful (partial) recovery. His name is Andrew, and he is at least 102 years old, but I am not sure. Oh! And he likes pancakes.

The Golden Chorus and Golden Orchestra “I Just Love To Eat” (bunnies)

A Twitchy Albino In Short-Shorts

The host of TVs Joker’s Wild, Jack Barry now sleeps on a Royal Pedic Adjustable Foam Bed With Latex Mattress he bought on Ebay for $25, despite the stains and smell, because the Aerobed Premier Classic Inflatable Air Matress with One Touch® Comfort Control Wand and Exclusive Quadra Coil® construction he found on the street gave him scabies.

Jean Shepard and Speedy West “Twice The Lovin’ (In Half The Time)” (buy)

Baby Turtles Used To Follow The Moon, Now They Follow The TV Lights

Coming in for an emergency landing, the host of TVs Joker's Wild, Bill Cullen’s upper-body and arm can be seen above the canopy of the A6 aircraft. Just seconds after landing, the host of TVs Joker's Wild, Bill Cullen is unconscious with his arms outstretched from the wind blast. The host of TVs Joker's Wild, Bill Cullen's body can be seen partially ejected through the canopy of the A6 aircraft as it touches down on the aircraft carrier for emergency landing. The host of TVs Joker's Wild, Bill Cullen's parachute has deployed and is wrapped around the tail of the aircraft.

Thai Elephant Orchestra “Big Band” (buy)

Tremendous Hardships Will Change Your Mind

Jacqueline Kent can remember a time when people didn’t lock their doors. They didn’t have to flush their toilets, either, since tiny toilet fairies came and spirited away the ‘nasties’. This was a time, mind you, when all heads, hands and feet were made from the finest quality poly-resin, when each piece was individually gift-boxed, and each gift box contained a photo, and each photo was inscribed with a tiny bit of prose, and every tiny bit of prose was then well-rehearsed and memorized.

But today, people shit standing up between cars and eat their neighbors.

Geologist “Give Me Some Reason” (bunnies)

Ignoble- Now That’s A Good Word

Katie Couric: A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.

Gabrielle Carteris: Michael Knight champions the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless in a world of criminals who operate above the law.

Katie Couric: A lone crusader in the dangerous world... the world of the Knight Rider.

Gabrielle Carteris: So yeah, gimme a call when you get back from the rendering plant.

Katie Couric: ‘K

The Left Banke “She May Call You Up Tonight” (buy)

Ken Said, "I Have Minor Thought Abrasions"

Dear Jessica Simpson,

All you got to do is get plugged in! Check your power cord, has it come unplugged? Todd Bridges still loves you, just plug that puppy back in and get rollin’! You can’t do it on your own, your battery pack is failing my friend. This always helps me: have each clerk bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's business. That should definitely get you going! However, make your pens carefully. (You may whittle nibs to your individual taste.)

Sincerely,
2T&AC

Archie Shepp “Prelude To A Kiss” (buy)

Referendum Failed, Rumor Squelched, Recess Cancelled

EDGEWATER, PA – The host of TVs Tic Tac Dough, Jack Barry, is taking his career—and life—in a new direction. Mr. Barry is to become the first human being to undergo a species change operation. Yes, you read right. When probed about this unusual decision, Mr. Barry commented, “Trannies are a dime a dozen—BORING! I mean, come on, how much guts does it take to get a sex change operation? Nothing.(sic) I mean, they got that transex-u-al on the Lucy show now. Anyhoo—I felt like my career needed a boost, and what better way to get some much-needed publicity than by pushing the boundaries of medical science?”

Mr. Barry has reportedly been undergoing injection and other treatments to become a puma at a local hospital. When reporters visited him recently, he had undergone a long and painful procedure to break both legs, in order to make the joints bend the other direction. When asked why he chose to become a puma, he answered, “Well, I figgered I should pick an animal that is close to human size—I mean, the world’s smallest elephant or world’s biggest ant would be a bit freakish, doncha think?”

Maimed For Life “Maimed For Life” (buy)

The Difference Between A Traipse And A Stroll

Q: Besides that awful stench, what do John Wayne, Lorne Green, Frank Sinatra, Joe Montana, Patrick Duffy, Wayne Newton, Martina Navratalova, The Roosevelts, Ex-Texas Governor Connelly, Retired Truck-Driver Mark Keller, And CowBoy Jason Cobsin have in common?

A: 7 striking colours, turbo and coolant silicone hoses, pre-built horse stalls

Jean-Claude Risset “Mutations” (buy)

Bumping For Lack Of Sight

Guestlist:

1. Twiggy
2. Belinda Stronach
3. Timothy Leary
4. Bob Denver
5. the host of TVs Tic Tac Dough, Bill Wendell
6. Alec Baldwin
7. Debbie Gibson
8. Paul Wolfowitz
9. Mary-Kate Olsen
10. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
11. Ali Akbar Khan, master of the sarod
12. Ciara
13. Billy Graham
14. Tom Landry
15. Doug Henning
16. Anita Hill
17. Andrew Lloyd Weber
18. Busta Rhymes

Hartz Mountain Parakeet Training Record “Side 1”
Joan Crawford “Spirit Of 76”

International Speed Circumcision Championships

Let it hereby be known that I have quit my tedious job in the ringtone factory to dedicate myself full-time to scraping other people’s flyers and announcements off of telephone poles, bus station walls and whatever else they may be affixed to. Why? Because I can think of no more worthwhile task. Also, my idol, the host of TVs Tic Tac Dough, Jay Jackson, dedicated his last years to this very same chore, and I want to be more like him.

Dominique Michel “Rola-lee Rolalum” (info)

Stripes On Fruit? Now I've Seen Gum

Significantly more fuzzy brown puppies (29.0%) than unfuzzy brown puppies (8.8%) were found in NYC Subway public restrooms last year. (x2=5.86, df=1, p<.05) Of these, the fuzzy brown puppies also reported more cardioprotective avoidance behaviors (t=2.26, df=155, p<.05) Owners who had lost their fuzzy brown puppies were more likely to report panic-like symptoms and higher HFA than those who had lost unfuzzy brown puppies. Nearly 1/4 of the sample experienced “Kinkos Syndrome” (strong urge to make photocopied flyers with pictures of the lost puppies) in the absence of the puppies.

Mohammed Rafi “Chahe Koi Mujhe“ (buy)

Error Of The Living Dead

Although our subject has recently celebrated his 74th birthday, he has only defecated a total of 237 times in his life. He is normal weight and height, and overall in good health despite this anomaly. On the other hand, the host of TVs Tic Tac Dough, Patrick Wayne, has had to "go number two" an average of 4 times daily since he was a teenager, and he is severely obese, has had three heart attacks, can’t stand up for more than a few seconds without losing his breath, and, honestly, doesn’t smell very good. Whether these cases are in any way related, I cannot say. I am no scientist, just a casual observer with a part time job selling pretzels at high school baseball games.

Stephen P. McGreevy “77c_ab2k” (buy)

Drunken Sex Orgy Attracts Thousands Of Pigeons

NEPAL, July 3, 2005 – The Nepalese Ambassador to Russia was squeezed on Sunday by an unidentified squeezer outside a local grocery store. The Ambassador stated, “Although it is illegal to squeeze me, I cannot say it was an altogether unpleasant experience. In any case, I intend to press charges, should the squeezer be caught.”

The ambassador was taken to a hospital and later released to treat a small bruise on his upper left thigh sustained in the incident.

Pram “The Last Astronaut (Andy Votel Remix)” (buy)

The Postal Mechanism Seems To Have Mis-Sent The Addendum

We wondered how just two people would be able to do an omelet station and keep things running smoothly with everything else there was to do. It didn't take long to find out. I still can’t get over that cow-y ambrosia and the verinika... But that was before Kahn Sir showed me how to braid a handle on a flogger.

Now my flowers refuse to bloom in the morning for less than 20k. *sigh*

Janeen Brady “The Metric System”