Referendum Failed, Rumor Squelched, Recess Cancelled

EDGEWATER, PA – The host of TVs Tic Tac Dough, Jack Barry, is taking his career—and life—in a new direction. Mr. Barry is to become the first human being to undergo a species change operation. Yes, you read right. When probed about this unusual decision, Mr. Barry commented, “Trannies are a dime a dozen—BORING! I mean, come on, how much guts does it take to get a sex change operation? Nothing.(sic) I mean, they got that transex-u-al on the Lucy show now. Anyhoo—I felt like my career needed a boost, and what better way to get some much-needed publicity than by pushing the boundaries of medical science?”

Mr. Barry has reportedly been undergoing injection and other treatments to become a puma at a local hospital. When reporters visited him recently, he had undergone a long and painful procedure to break both legs, in order to make the joints bend the other direction. When asked why he chose to become a puma, he answered, “Well, I figgered I should pick an animal that is close to human size—I mean, the world’s smallest elephant or world’s biggest ant would be a bit freakish, doncha think?”

Maimed For Life “Maimed For Life” (buy)