Because No One Doesn’t Have Brick Teeth

When asked about the accident, six-year old Jessica replied, "Ain’t no wantin' left on this good earth for them folks no more. They went n' solidified some formerly liquid assets in the immortal repayment plan, if you know what I mean."

Jerry Goldsmith “Flameout” (buy)

How Will We Leave When All The Doors Are Closed?

We wondered if Johann Frieserson would ever come down... days, weeks... night terrors, cold and hot sweats... handmade shawls from grandma... telegrams from the president... taxidermy as far as the eye could see... vitamins and more vitamins... soft towels and salves and slaves... tree climbing and so on.

Eventually, Johann Frieserson came down, as we all know.

Bahamadia “Special Forces” (buy)

∞ - π ≠ ∞

You know how sometimes you eat something—it doesn’t matter what it is, even that cat you hunted, killed, disembolwed, skinned and finally fried with peperoncinis and wild mushrooms—and it tastes like a bowl of milk and (unsalted) almonds? That is often rather startling for me.

Gamelan Band of Java “Senggot” (buy)

Stunted Growth Accounts For Growth Explosion

You want a bedtime story? OK.

In 1998, an elephant became best of friends with a sheep.

That friendship ended tragically when the elephant accidentally crushed the sheep to death, probably when it rolled while sleeping. The end.

Now go to sleep.

Merrill Clark “I’m an Operating Engineer” (buy)

The Dandelion Wheezes Appreciation

If there are 140 Trillion baby humans in the world, then diaper tape would have to be valued at $35,000 an ounce!

If 14 Trillion, then $54,687.5 per ounce.

That 8000 tonnes is 256 million ounces. (One can only hope!) So, lets just stick with statistics- 6 trillion Federal, 222 Trillion Canada, 28 trillion international or 18 trillion/256 million = $1,109,375 dollars per ounce.

Rose Royce “Righteous Rhythm” (buy)

Hast Du Lust Auf Atmen?

Look dude, you’re only handicapped mentally, not physically. Don’t get all “assisted living” on me. Next thing I know, you’re gonna want a wheel chair, too. Well, we don’t have that kind of money where we could roll instead of walking. Now, finish shaving my legs or I’m gonna tell Mr. T you don’t want to eat turkey slices with him anymore!

Blue Cheer “Come And Get It” (buy)

First, They Are Losing Eyeballs

SHANGHAI, China - In an effort to achieve his goal of becoming a rock star, China’s hairiest man has joined local hard-rock act Assassination Bathtub. At press time, rival band Toxaemia had submitted their proposal to hold a protest concert to committee and were awaiting reply.

Perry & Kingsley “The Little Man From Mars” (buy)

They Committed Their Self-Love To Each Other's Selves

Terribly un-windfalls-mäßig Aktionen having gehappened, ist mir in the whateverkeit. My greatest Blamage geht an that ugly bitch. But then again, I’m all—scheiß drauf. Es tut mir pain—ich meine, was kann I say?

My candy caddy broke today, but the ol’ lady from down the road hammered the valuable pieces back in place.

Karlheinz Stockhausen “Opus 1970 (excerpt)” (this guy has it)

Cranium Recovered

I hate to look too “Christmas”-- especially on warm days.

Crass “Where Next Columbus?” (buy)

Twirling Causes Confusion, Terror

Grandma was obsessed with resins. Every time we would sit down to a meal, she would make us all recite the “Lord’s Resin Prayer” together. I still know it by heart. It goes like this:

“Of the most common resins, polyethylene (PET) and polypropylene (PP) both have a translucent, waxy texture, and are the only non-foam plastics that float in water. The burning properties will discriminate between these two resins. PE burns rapidly, drips flames, smells like candle wax and, when extinguished, will produce a white smoke. PP, on the other hand, burns more slowly, smells like burning fuel, and does not drip flames while burning. PE is impervious to chemical solvents while PP will dissolve in hot toluene.”

And finally we could eat.

Mystic Moods Orchestra “The Last Thing On My Mind” (buy)

Two-Timing Turtle Greeted With Jeers And Howls

The other day, I was in WalMart when I saw motherfucking Angelina Jolie! She was there buying shoes for her bazillion adopted orphan kids. Anyway, she was also there with some non-famous friend of hers. I overheard her say to her non-famous friend, "I get sick by fat chicks that I almost threw up when I kissed one..." To which her friend replied, "Yeah, me too."

Then I bought my powdered milk and left.

John Ellis "What Did I Do" (buy)

Everyone Loves A Breeze, But Hates A Draft

SHE'S A BEAUTY
SHE'S A BITCH
She's A Ho
She's A River
SHE'S A STAR
She's A Woman
SHE'S ALL I EVER HAD
She's Coming Home With Me
She's Crafty
SHE'S FREAKY
SHE'S GOING OUT OF MY MIND
SHE'S GONNA GET IT
She's Got It All
SHE'S GOT THAT VIBE
SHE'S GOT THE RHYTHM (AND I GOT THE BLUES)
SHE'S IN LOVE WITH THE BOY
She's Leaving Home
SHE'S MORE
SHE'S MY BABY
She's My Pusher
SHE'S NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE
She's Not The Cheatin Kind
SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE
She's So Cold
She's So High
SHE'S STRANGE
She's Taken A Shine
SHE'S THE ONE
She's Too Good For Me

Mood Mosaic "Theme from Musik Laden" (buy)

She Would Really Love You First Sight

The next reporter at the press conference called out a question, “Rawlex? Carttier? Just naame it! Repliccas now archfool!” He responded by turning and leaving the stage, leaving his publicist alone at the podium to make this statement, "Christ is not speaking to the press at this time."

Die Tödliche Doris “Grünland in der Grenzschale” (offical homepage with free downloads of entire catalog)

Remind Me Never To Do That Again

It was a tie, bitches.

Buckner & Garcia “The Defender”
Buckner & Garcia “Goin’ Berzerk”
(buy)

Ersatz Uschi Saugt Arsch

The latest from our news center on the controversial Buckner & Garcia vote:

No Clear Winner In Electoral Vote... Goin’ Berserk Retracts Concession Call... Froggy’s Lament is First Candidate Since 1972 to Lose Home State.

Goin’ Berserk Lawyers Plan Suit to Overturn Mousetrap Victory... Fla. Recount Is Likely Just Start of Fight... Lawsuit Seeks New Election Over `Misleading' Ballot

Defender Claims Slim Lead... Hyperspace Won't Concede Even After Florida Recount... Motion for New Election in Palm Beach Dismissed

More Legal Confusion in Recount... Defnder/Mousetrap Join Lawsuit on Recounts... Appeals Court to Hear Berzerk Case

Trial Judge Says Florida Can Reject Late Votes... Florida High Court Stops Certification... Centipede Campaign To Appeal Decision

When will the madness end? What have we done? Pluck your magic twanger, Froggy!

Mahasi “The Bride” (buy)

I Don't Know What Has Come Under Me

To celebrate the fact that the entire staff of 2T&AC finally got off their asses and bought a new thingy to make vinyl thingies into digital thingies, we are bringing you, dear reader(s) a double-barrel shotgun blast of excitement. First, we are blessing you with the glory of “Andy (For Love It Takes Two)”.

Next, due to the overwhelming response to “Do The Donkey Kong”, we here at 2T&AC are doing something totally unprecedented (and interactive). Below, you will find a list of the remaining songs (excluding the extremely familiar title track) from Buckner & Garcia’s unmitigated masterpiece Pac-Man Fever LP. Please vote in the comments for which track from this list you would most like to hear. The track that receives the most votes will be posted (in its entirety) early in the new week! Everyone WINS!

“Froggy’s Lament”
“Ode To A Centipede”
“Hyperspace”
“The Defender”
“Mousetrap”
“Goin’ Berzerk”

Girlie “Andy (For Love It Takes Two)” (buy)

Dry Brain = Wet Follicles

New Pope softens penis, attempts insertion anyway, stating, “I’m a fucking paradise addict.”

Pierre Schaeffer “Cinq Etudes De Bruits: Etude Violette” (buy)

The End Of Everyday

Celebrity phlebotomists love me. Among the celebrities at the 91st drawing of my blood were Richard Gere, Venus and/or Serena Williams, Goldie Hawn, Jane Fonda, Lindsay Lohan (who knew?) and rap star LL Cool J. It was such a special occasion, that everyone wanted to draw their own tiny souvenir blood sample. In fact, they ended up drawing nearly six of my nine pints! And let me tell you, when you are six pints low, 16 beers, 5 tequila shots, 3 boilermakers, 11 fat rails and several shots of Jägermeister hit you pretty hard. The end of the night is kind of a blur, but I distinctly remember Chelsea Clinton trying desperately to talk me and Jimmie “Dy-No-Mite” Walker into a threesome.

Michel Magne “L’Ultime Évasion” (buy)

I'm Making My Lunch

You know what I don’t understand?

Other people, Mandarin, dog breeding, stressed denim, sign language, taxidermy collection, littering, pre-emptive war, Christianity, “tagging” on the subway, rudeness, using a cane when it is not needed, optional surgery, Dutch, and the appeal of Korn, among other things.

Ahmad Fouad Hasan “Dimashq” (buy)

The Queen Requests Your Presents

Here, 52-year-old Johnny Fortune climbs out of an industrial washer after taking a bath, and lists his favorite people in order:

“pimps”
“housewives”
“bankers”
“puppy-eating drunkards”

”Weird Al” Yankovic “Hooked On Polkas” (buy)