Never Not Headwind

<…and with the roar of 1,015 aircraft-strength turbines, I bellowed at that mimbly little twig-faced counter scrubber, “You will not have requested my authorization for a third time, Johnny Jackpick!” Of course, he cowered like a doomed tit mouse as I laughed heartily and raised my Gold- Ensconced WundraPower Magic® Magic Glove high above my head in preparation for doling out this tray pusher’s sooner-than-predicted final act if need be. I shouted again, “Your mother would like you to pick up some Anderson’s Dairy 1% milk on the way home, you flan-esque wobble-pile! NOW GO!” And with that it was over. He left. I put the glove back in it’s pressure, heat and light resistant teflon-alloy carrying case and continued ‘chopping wood’.

Krzysztof Komeda “Dream“ (buy)

Warm Torpedo Blunder Leaves Thousands With Excess Coolant

This offer is not intended for Johnny Tightwad, my friend. This is only for the real thrill seeker types, you know-- people like the host of TVs Blankety Blanks, Bill Cullen-- people who like to grab the ostrich by the feathers and only think of looking back when the smell of seawater is gone or distant. For this my friend, ain’t your grandma’s can of Stagg® Chunkéro® Chili With Beans. No, not by a long shot. This, my good friend and trusted associate, is the DYSON DC14 SL-ANI ANIMAL! Once you experience this beast of a machine, you will walk funny, your heart will palpitate, you will sweat profusely, and you will develop tiny lesions on your chest and the bottoms of your feet! It’s that good!

Clarissa and the Straightjackets “I Want a Car” (buy)

The Winking Brown Eye Of Truth

My beard is full of scrambled eggs and ketchup. The hand that still has feeling hurts. The other is long gone. But I need more ketchup. “Successful grapple! If so, move the bottle of ketchup directly over your head while rotating it so that the pouring spout faces to your left,” I think to myself. Then slowly, I begin singing “Anticipation”, and moving no faster than the ketchup in that old commercial moved, I manage to get the rubber band around my wrist and the ketchup bottle. Successful grapple, indeed.

Archies “Comes The Sun” (buy)

Fraudulent Kisses

It’s like when you meet someone who you think would be perfect for your perpetually-single friend and you set up some sort of casual ‘date’ where you all go out to dinner together so there is less one-on-one pressure or whatever, and when the person finally shows up, you introduce the two and your friend breaks out in hysteric tears—not because they have suddenly fallen madly, hopelessly in love, nor because they wholly and completely dislike the person, but because it is suddenly clear exactly what you think of them.

Bye Luc Ferrari.

(sudden rainstorm)

Luc Ferrari `6’07”´ (buy)

Whispers Of Discontent

A modern reappraisal is the result of our time-modified perspective on the classic Clerk Vs. Stanford debate. But don’t let this get you down. On the contrary, for this we should rejoice. From our current viewpoint, it appears that Clerk has resumed control of his paneling business and Stanford can once again be found along the banks of the Nile selling burnt matches and tchotchkes.

Asha Bhosle & Chorus “Dum Maro Dum” (buy)

Insect Philosophy Catching On

Turpentine, turpentine!
God selbst hat thee gemacht!
Irreplaceable removing qualities,
Wondrous odor (to be used sparingly-- often)
Incompatible with shellac and other stuff,
Not for internally (körperlich) consumption,
Varnish sanding sealer, beware!
Varnish sanding sealer, beware.

--the Hostess/Model of TVs Let’s Make A Deal, Carol Merrill, 1973

Pisstank “Yeah, Right” (buy)

Less Likely To Take Orders From Pimple-Faced Teenagers And Adults

Atta Boy® dog food was indentified by Dangerous Foods, Inc. as early as June 2000. In spite of this fact, hospital staff were still feeding Atta Boy® to newborns™ at St. Luke’s Holy Lutheran of God Hospital in Trenton, NJ up until February 2002. All babies fed Atta Boy® in this time period were tracked, thanks to the tracking chips installed at birth, and are now fine, more or less.

ESG "Tiny Sticks" (buy)

Double Checked Status Checked And Re-Checked

Still tingly and agitated, surprisingly warm. Can’t smell the livestock anymore. Moving east, I think. Sun came up on the door side this morning, but on the wall side yesterday. The one I call The Doubter climbed on just before lunch time, gave me foot massage, manicure and henna tattoo. Afterwards, I moved back onto the hay, slept a little. Woke up to find entire foot missing— the one with the henna tattoo.

Bye Bob Moog.

Claude Denjean and the Moog Synthesizer “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” (buy)

Close Enough For Government Work

An experiment to study an experiment about study habits of dilligent students has ended in tragedy. It seems the head of the experiment forgot to re-bottle the study serum, and it found its way into the hands of ne’er-do-wells who in turn unleashed the serum on innocent road workers. The road workers then immediately dropped their tools in search of the nearest library, killing a local man in the process. A spokesperson for the police department declined to comment on how the killing was related to the other incident.

In other news, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that the old joke,
“Guess what.”
“What?”
“Chicken butt.”
is still constitutionally funny. The only ‘nay’ vote came from that bitch, Sandra Day O’Connor.

The Shaggs “It’s Halloween” (buy)

To Wish Screaming Broads Out Of Hiding

Today when I met the co-producer of TVs Celebrity Sweepstakes, Burt Sugarman, I was so nervous, I must have forgotten at least 43% of the Magna Carta! But I still managed to slip my tiny, slippery, boneless hand into his double fuzzy bearclaw for a brief moment of mutual trust between near-total strangers. Later for dinner, I substituted fresh rabbit meat for hamburger. It turned out just OK.

Charles Wuorinen “Time’s Encomium Part II (Excerpt)” (buy)

Tom Ruddy Wrestling Lesions

Dear Scott Baio,

It would be wise to remember that a truck buried in mud up to the floorboards will require a tremendous amount of energy to lift it up and out. Take a breather now and then.

Sincerely,
(a concerned fan, name withheld by request)

Taraf de Haïdouks “Bride In a Red Dress” (buy)

The Common Enemies Of Man

For my 15th birthday, I received a taxidermy fish from my father. I was not exactly what one would call "into" taxidermy fish. Before my 16th birthday, I met then-President Carter when he spoke at a fundraiser for my high-school’s Black Arts Farming program. We became rather ‘friendly’ with each other and we ‘kept in touch’. Then, less than a year later, I actually got a birthday gift from President Carter—another taxidermy fish, exactly the same as the one my father gave me the year before!

I have been collecting since shortly thereafter, and my collection now numbers an impressive 15,332 of the exact same taxidermy fish. My insurance company said the collection is worth upwards of $250!

Bill Monroe and his Bluegrass Boys “It’s Mighty Dark To Travel” (buy)

Mostly French Tourists, Maybe Some Vines

When the first truckers rolled across our great nation in 1776, they wouldn’t stop for anything. You name it-- bison, natives, trees, relatives, Wall Drug—nearly every single item believed to be acknowledged at that time found its unfortunate demise under the 18 blood-thirsty rolling rubber smash contraptions of these inventory-laden squish bringers.

Now, here we are in 1999—nearly 200 years later-- and a major motion picture studio is shelling out almost $325 for a Hollywood-ized version of these American® heroes' long-unheard story. And who, you may ask, should play the pivotal role of Stanley Jordanson, the trucking pioneer who started the first trucking union in 1798? You guessed it: the announcer of TVs Almost Anything Goes, Sam Riddle.

Kendra Smith “Maggots” (buy)

Concentration Kills The Uninitiated

Remember that scene in Apocalyptic Godfather 2 when Pacino was all, “Parts of dogs could be seen for miles and miles and kilometers. Dog parts everywhere—and not mechanical dog parts, mind you—real dog parts, everywhere. I mean everywhere! There were literally dog parts everywhere. Intestines, legs, fur, you name it, it was there. Dogs, separated into tiny tiny parts—everywhere! It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Everywhere! Dog parts! EVERYWHERE!” and then he slept with a horse or something? That part was rad. In fact, that scene was one of the main reasons I became a lobster instructor.

Laurie Wellman & Donald R. H. Byrd “ESL Blues” (bunnies)

Francine Forgot The Receipt

Hey kids—next time someone makes you so mad that you feel like cursing up such a storm that a retarded truckers’ convention looks like a heavily-sedated swab in the park, don’t come across like an undereducated nut-wab by shouting the same old monkey-hackey that every corner jockey uses, show them how unique your anger is by shouting this at them:

"401 Mandrel! 402 Mandrel! 403 Bristle Brush! 404 Bristle Brush! 421 Polishing Compound! 422 Felt Polishing Tip! 423 Cloth Wheel! 428 Carbon Steel Brush! 2 each of 425 Emery-Impregnated Polishing Wheel! 429 Felt Polishing Wheel! 520 Polishing Wheel! and 6 each of 414 Felt Polishing Wheel!"

Then, you’ll feel better for not gorging yourself on the lowest common denominator like so many piles of microwave-warmed spaghetti with Ragu®, and you will have that crumb-chasing half-stink clamoring for a crowbar like it's his mama's grey, saggy teat.

Orchester Wade Gabbe “Swinging Nordwest” (buy)

Within The Leotard, Serenity

Now, given that this “gun” doesn’t use propellent, you won’t have the added recoil due to the gas jet exiting a barrel following a bullet.

But still, recoil-less? Not according to the announcer of TVs Now You See It, Gene Wood.

Christ On Parade “For Your Viewing Pleasure” (buy)

Round Of Blame

Then, one time, Shadoe Stevens dropped in unannounced. It was weird—ususally everything was so formal with him. Anyway, as it turns out, he just happened to be driving through our neighborhood when he was suddenly overcome by the need to vacate his colon very quickly, so he left his car running in the street and ran up for a quick poop-n-go. He was indeed quick, and was out of our house with plans to be in touch soon within just a couple of minutes. However, his ‘aura’ lingered for quite some time, as our entire house then smelled like all-natural scrumptious gourmet cookies individually wrapped and packaged in a unique variety of gift containers, specialty breads, cakes, pastries, pies, cookies, Scottish scone mix, Ruger wafers and cookies, Cows dairy butter toffees, smoked peppered turkey, smoked salmon, mahi mahi, tuna, peppered bluefish, breaded and battered beef products, French toast, poultry, onion rings, award-winning India pale ale, canned peaches, tilapia fish; aquaponically grown herbs and garden salads for days on end.

Edgard Varése “Ionisation (Excerpt)” (buy)

Trapezoidal Wincing-Effect Linked To Kaleidoscopic Squint

Line new, clean kitty litter box. Put mixture into litter box. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more and bury in mixture.

"Feel" it, you don't want it soggy, just moist.

Serve with a *new* pooper scooper.

George C. Scott “Don’t Be Fuelish”
Hal Linden “Don’t Be Fuelish”
Estelle Parsons “Don’t Be Fuelish”
(bunnies)

Kisses From A Moth

The hostess of TVs High Rollers, Ruta Lee: Did she really just say an infant massage costs $400?
The announcer of TVs Jackpot, Wayne Howell: Yup.
The hostess of TVs High Rollers, Ruta Lee: But why would I spend $400 on a massage for an infant?
The announcer of TVs Jackpot, Wayne Howell: It’s not for an infant, it’s from an infant.
The hostess of TVs High Rollers, Ruta Lee: Oh? Hmm... interesting. Are hot dogs part of the deal?
The announcer of TVs Jackpot, Wayne Howell: Hot dogs are indeed a part of the deal.

Shirley Scott Trio “5 O’Clock Whistle” (buy)

Hots For The Heifer

A ''relay coil'' is the copper winding part of a relay that produces a magnetic field that actuates the mechanism.
An ''induction coil'' (or ''ignition coil'') is an electrical device in common use as the ignition system (''ignition coil or spark coil'') of internal-combustion engines.
A ''Helmholtz coil'' is a device for producing a region of nearly uniform magnetic field.
''Icon of Coil'' is a Norwegian electronic body music band.
A ''Rogowski coil'' is an electrical device for measuring alternating current.
''Coil'' is a British experimental band.
A ''Braunbeck coil'' is used in geomagnetic research.
A ''Oudin coil'' is a disruptive discharge coil.
''This Mortal Coil'' is a British dark cover band.
Z-CoiL Footwear is specifically engineered for foot, leg, and back pain relief.
Flexi-Coil are Industry Experts in Seeding, Tillage and Spraying Equipment
The PDA Coil Registry was formed in June, 1994 to establish a data base on PDA

Lio “Amoureux Solitaires” (buy)