Holy Teeth Grown From The Hands Of An Infidel

As of August 27, 1999, I have discontinued the reconditioned aluminum deck furniture busness. Due to high concentration of lemon-lime lizards I no longer have time to maintain it. Also, Bob won’t let me borrow his tools anymore. I apologize to those whose deck furniture is gone, to those looking forward to having their pictures of their deck furniture put up and of course to the hostess of TVs Give-n-Take, Jane Nelson.

Unknown Artist “Oh Mother, The Handsome Man Tortures Me” (buy)

I Don’t Want To Open The Door Anymore

Turns out it was just some naked guy who broke into her home, (27) ... (Some Guy). Cool-- As he drove off in the bait truck, the suspect searched in vain for a loaded handgun and pretended fourteen times to fire indiscriminantly out the window. It appears that the gun was jammed and would have thus been useless anyway, even if he had been able to find it, but two underground gated parking facilities and a visitor's parking lot later, he had had his last high-cling-boink, and was headed straight downtown.

Cantus-Chor “Ich will noch nicht nach Haus” (buy)

Wienered To The Post

Rudkin said on the Web site that he considered taping a flare to a cooking gas canister, "and trying to shoot his friend’s girlfriend Jaws style, but couldn’t find any tape or a flare." He took a long, tortured, gurgly breath, and continued, "Although I have no serious feelings for my friend, I sometimes hope that his girlfriend dies in surgery."

This was to be the last thing he ever said, for as the final syllable left his lips, the snake bite he had gotten earlier cut down his life tree to make way for the new, infinitely long ruination highway soon to be re-named in his honor.

Ernest Tubb “Too Old to Cut the Mustard” (buy)

Don't Cha Grind On Me Naked, Bad Boys

Judge Judy: I wish he would open up and let me in like it was several months ago.
The Host of TVs Musical Chairs, Adam Wade: Y'know those pictures that you see where it's two faces and then you [unintelligible]?
Judge Judy: I don’t think you are even listening to me.
The Host of TVs Musical Chairs, Adam Wade: No, no—I’m listening, it’s just that I'm for some reason attracted to my grandma.

Anonymous Syrian Cassette Dealers “Dueling Cassette Kiosks” (buy)

A Succesful Attempt By The New Intern, Kevin

In honor of our successful move from Kabul to Zürich or whatever, we now jump to the Beverly Center in Lockwood Hills, California where the 53rd annual Beloved Knighthood of Actors Awards Show is taking place. One of our staff favorites, the host of TVs Split Second, Tom Kennedy, has just won the award for Outstanding Performance by a Duo, and is in the process of giving his acceptance speech. We now join the program already in progress:

"...guarded by a memorie that lays bottom lined next the hate or Beastman, while guarding yourself from the love of another, the Shamen disapears and leaves you with nothing to night, cause you did decide to pray and remember instead of to fight the whole day of more then your mind can take, why do you make excuses?"

The host of the show, TVs Todd Bridges is now scrambling to regain control of the mic as the band jumps in with a kicky version of "Wanted Dead or Alive." We’ll take this opportunity to hear a word from our sponsors.

Flavia and the Motonets “Pecesito” (buy for free)