Not Your Grandma's Shrieks/Leeches

Dear Giggs,

First of all, I have to extend my heartfelt congratulations to you for the fact that you learned to write your name! It is a landmark occasion in every person’s life, and I am happy for you. You must have been quite ecstatic yourself, considering your decision to write your name on every wall, window, mail box, street sign, street post, train and parked car in a 20 mile radius. I am proud of you for committing yourself wholeheartedly to a project. However, when such a joyous impulse should overcome you in the future, could you please refrain from practicing on the front door to my house? Or, at least only do it once? That would be great.

Yours in handwriting,
2T&AC

Herschell G. Lewis “Chase Scene/A Fitting Death for the Garbage He Was” (buy)
Debbie Gibson “Interview Response #4” (buy)

Indefinite Acquisitions Required

One time when I went grocery shopping, I got the shopping cart David Spade had just used. As if that wasn't weird enough, there was a small, handwritten note in a very childish scrawl in the bottom of the cart. This is the full text of that note:

"all I ever do is tell people that i am too busy to hang out. I tell people i need to get home and read scripts, that i'm overwhelmed. when i get home i spend hours on ebay. i procrastinate. I sleep. i stare at the wall.

i am lonely."

Technique "Quiet Storm" (buy)

L'Branch

Besides having alot of weapons and some really nice hair, David Koresh had some really good ideas.

L'Trimm "Love Bug" (buy this cd for 1 freakin cent)

I Love Crunchy Food

Strange but true, Overheard at a Tattoo Convention:

Tat Chick: Wow, that piece is fantastic. Who did your work?
Tat Dude: This guy downtown named Larrylicious.
Tat Chick: Can you write down his number for me? I'd like to go to him.
Tat Dude: Sure. Or how about this: I'll email it to you when I get home.
Tat Chick: Cool.
Tat Dude: Cool.

Rom=Pari "Thanks For The Party" (buy)

You're Not Nuts! 13

Insulated rattan basket with deluxe coffee/tea service for 2.

Michel Chion "La Ronde" (info)

Xanthem Y. Uripedes

Thank you very much for dinner, Mrs. Johansson. It was truly delicious. I never thought of adding raisins to lasagne. And the vomit in there-- was it your own? Oh, the dogs'! I should have guessed! You are something special, Mrs. Johansson...

Kocani Orkestar "Ismail Oro" (buy)

Junk Store Calamity Cover-Up

Fuck, Eminem is boring! I mean, whenever we hang out, all he ever wants to do is play Scrabble! I'm serious! Doesn't he ever want to get fucked up and kill some ho's or something? Nooooooo.... "Dude, let's play some Scrab," he says. That's what he calls it! Scrab! Boring. Oh, and he is a bad loser.

Harry Nilsson "Skidoo Theme" (buy)

One Freezing Morning

I don't know about you, but I find there is nothing more relaxing than hanging out at the train station at 8:30 in the morning, just chilling with some good friends and a few beers.

UFO or Die "Hell Boat" (buy)

Turbo Cat Toy

Cardboard scratching pad and ball included. Blitz Turbo Scratcher $8.95

Giles, Giles & Fripp "Digging My Lawn" (buy)

Gin And Clam Sauce

The other day I thought I saw a friend of mine on the street. As I got closer, I realized that, not only was it not her, but it was a rather ugly man. That happens sometimes.

Harmonia "Notre Dame" (buy)

Big Baby Jesus, I Can't Wait

RIP, ODB.

Ol' Dirty Bastard "I Can't Wait" (buy)

Shortly Before Inattentive Slacker-Type Nearly Bought the Farm

A true story for you, dear reader(s):

Today, while riding the train to work (I know, I know-- enough train stories...) who should sit right beside me? An honest-to-goodness, real life hunchback! She had the hunch, the limp, the gnarled expression, the whole bit! She could have easily been cast in any hunchback-related role. (provided she could act) Needless to say, I have rarely been so elated while en route to work.

David Shire "The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3 Main Title" (buy)

Eavesdropping As Sport

Overheard on the train:

Hipster DJ 1: Dude, check out this killer white label I got!
(Hipster DJ 2 looks at record, which has no writing on it)
Hipster DJ 2: Sweet. What is it?
Hipster DJ 1: It's this amazing John Tesh/Mr. Mister mash up! You won't believe it! It sounds like Gerry Rafferty or something!
Hipster DJ 2: Awesome. Are you gonna spin it at your gig?
Hipster DJ 1: Yeah man, it goes really well between that Mike & The Mechanics song that I always play and 24-7 Spyz.
Hipster DJ 2: Sounds great-- when was that gig again?
Hipster DJ 1: It's on Wednesday from 5 to 7 at the laundromat.
Hipster DJ 2: Laundromat? Where's that?
Hipster DJ 1: You know-- the laundromat around the corner from my house. I'm gonna fuckin wash my clothes while I spin! Is that rad or what?
Hipster DJ 2: Weird. Ok, I'll come before I go to work at the bar.
Hipster DJ 1: No dude-- it's at 5 to 7 in the morning! All the hot chicks do their laundry in the morning!
Hipster DJ 2: Um... I'll see if I can make it...

Louvin Brothers "While You're Cheating On Me" (buy)

Bone Marrow Sundae

A while back, I found myself hanging out with Mary-Kate Olsen and Hunter S. Thompson at some sort of weird low-level celebrity party in a house in the middle of a desert in the southwest US. This was pre-rehab for MK. Hunter was going on and on about how MK shouldn't blab all the time and waste our freedom, while she was whinily countering that she had to talk all the time to preserve her freedom of speech. After nearly and hour, I had grown pretty tired of the conversation and was just sort of playing with the label on my beer when a member of the staff came up to me to tell me I had a phone call. This was my chance! I abruptly turned and quickly manouvered in the direction of the house. I dashed past the telephone and out the front door. I got in my car and drove to the nearest airport, which was about 4.5 hours away. I flew home and never saw Mary-Kate or Hunter again, nor did I ever find out who was on the phone. But, I heard later that Mary-Kate and Hunter ended up hooking up.

Plunderphonics "Angle by Luis Erect" (buy)

I Hate You More Than I Hate Steven Spielberg

Hey! Hey, you over there! You-- the worst president ever-- I thought I told you to leave! What? You think you're gonna stay? Oh, well, that sucks. How long then? Four years? Wow. That really sucks. Well then, this song is for you:

The Fall "Second Dark Age" (buy)
*Update* Based on mostlyMEat's suggestion, this song is for you too:
The Fall "Leave The Capital" (buy)