Satin Grief

Johnny Silver of one-one-two-two Boogie Woogie Avenue won this afternoon’s roast beef eating contest with an astounding 73.75 pounds of roast beef ingested in less than 20 seconds. As followers of the sport are well aware, the rule change this year allowing contestants to additionally force more food into their bodies by way of feeding tube or I.V has contributed to the huge increase in meatability. Additionally, a contestant is allowed to use any number of tubes at once, and many contestants, including Johnny Silver, have chosen a charged-up version of the tube that delivers food to the body at the same speed a nail gun delivers a nail, so many experts predict the winning numbers will climb even higher.

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