Director Of Fame Requests New Fame Direction

"Geez, you sure ate my Ritz® Crackers fast!" said a former funeral home worker who pleaded no contest to hiding a baby's body in the pants of a man's corpse slated for cremation -- apparently to avoid paying an extra $50 fee, "but even with that weird cakey layer of Ritz® around the back of your throat I can still feel the vibrancy in your ululations."

Hap Palmer “Under the Stick” (buy)

You’re Allowed To Bring A Live Chicken To A Soccer Game?

With dog under arm, Prof. Nicholas Jonathan Starfellow set out for the great wetness.
With duck under arm, Henry Fanstool made out with Heather Stett.
With cruller under arm and joy in a heart, the host of TVs You Don’t Say, Tom Kennedy wrung out the mop and, with renewed vigor, set to work on the next quadrant.
With long tooth protruding from under mouth, grannie set her sights on bleeding dry.
Will you tell Tommie that his aquarium retaining wall is ready for pick-up? Thanks.

Mike McGear "Norton" (buy)

Horse Shoes Only; No Donkey Shoes

They placed a TV in front of him and forced him to watch. This man, John Nelson, the former hostess of TVs Give-n-Take, Jane Nelson, had never actually seen a television from the other side. When he was enslaved as a small girl and forced to perform in an artificially wood-grained 36” color, she vowed he would one day become the living embodiment of the word revenge.

Which brings us to present-day when John Nelson has just become the World Champion Gum Chewer for the third year out of the last four, beating out his perennial foil, the former President of the Wayakoma Elks Lodge, the man known as “the terrible diamond log”-- Jane Nelson’s former captor, Mr. Dan T. Dollhead.

Deathprod “Burntwood” (buy)

Touring Lava Handlers' Show Eradicates All Disease

I managed to produce a little stool (with some difficulty) after necking two or three bottles of expensive Nigerian carbonated water. I prefer to excrete solid stools, as opposed to crop spraying (qv).

Anyway, as I emerged victorious from the public lavatory on the floor level, section D22, of the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, NJ, some young boy in a Norfolk jacket shouted, "Don't you grin at me, you young muff!" First of all, I am not so young, and next, I am certainly no muff, so I shouted back, "Do you even know who will be the star attraction at an airport shop? Do you? Have you seen the last remaining bottle of the world's oldest single malt whiskey leave Scotland for Hong Kong, you little knee-scratching weevil washer?"

Obviously this tugged a little on his heart strings, as I later found out he had recently lost his parents in a freak Scottish whiskey accident, so he began to tear up a little and we decided to go to his house to place a stork’s nest on the roof for protection from future claps of thunder. I mean, the boy had no parents—who else was going to do this kind of work?

Electric Boogie Men "Breakdancing (Live on Musikladen, 1984)" (buy)