Cramming, Clamming Or Cramping: A One Act Play

This play stars Paris Hilton as Dionne, the down-on-her-luck but spunky girl-next-door, and Oprah Winfrey as the grizzled old been-there, done-that dyke Maddie.

Scene: night, city street. (present day)

Dionne: Ew! Is that a used condom?
Maddie: No-- it's just a baby's sock.
Dionne: Well, it's still kind of creepy. I mean-- where's the baby?
Maddie: You got a point there, kiddo. Wanna get a hot dog and mayonnaise?
Dionne: Sure. Are my pants on?
Maddie: Yes, oh yes-- yes they are. Your pants are ON! Wooo!!

End

Jokes Are Funny 6

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

Best Rock Lyrics Ever® 37

i'm keeping my commission to faith's transmission
two speakers dream the same and skies turn red
satellites flashing down orchard and delancey
i can't get laid cuz everyone is dead

If A Tree Pig Falls In The Woods...

That Justin Timberham is one talented motherfucker. I just look at him and think, "Mein Mensch, du bist echt talentiert!" I mean look at that fucker! He is so fucking talented. I mean, what can I say? Talented ass motherfucker = Justin Timberham. How'd you get so fucking talented you little fucker? Fuck.

Ugly + Ugly = Ugly

A message to prospective parents everywhere: if you and your partner are both ugly, (look in the mirror; be honest with yourself) then the chances are very good that any offspring you create together will also be really ugly. Is that really the future you want for a child?

Click 'Next Blog', Blow Your Mind

I was just horrified to discover that there is an emoticon for a jesus fish: <><

Best Rock Lyrics Ever® 36

one of these days
i'm going to cut you into little pieces

Bullock: Porcelain Cracker

Then there was this time when Sandra Bullock was at our house for a party. I don't know why she was there, she just was. Anyway, it was a really big party, and unfortunately, we only had one bathroom. Someone was in there for a long, long time. Finally the door opened and it was Sandra Bullock. She hurriedly grabbed her purse and left. The next person went in the bathroom, but only just got through the door when she yelled, "Oh, my god!" and also turned and ran. Nobody wanted to use the bathroom, so I had to go in and see what was up. The damage was unbelieveable! There must have been 10 pounds of crap in the toilet, and it smelled worse than a two-week old carcass. The toilet would not flush, naturally. We put on the rubber gloves and face masks and set out to removing the feces. When we had disposed of all the poop --by hand-- we saw the toilet was literally cracked from the force. We had to replace the toilet, and left the windows open for two weeks straight. We left a fan on 24 hours a day as an exhaust and lit incense and scented candles. We sprayed Lysol and other air fresheners and nothing would remove the stench. It took about a month before the Bullock scent had finally dissipated a little. All in all, we spent several hundred dollars fumigating, cleaning and replacing the toilet. (We also replaced all of the towels because we couldn't get the smell out)

The moral of this story is: don't let Sandra Bullock use your toilet under any circumstances.

Jokes Are Funny 5

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

One Less Line To Draw

Dear Europeans,

If you didn't write your '1' like a '7', you wouldn't have to draw a line through the '7' to differentiate it from a '1'. Just sayin'.

Viele liebe Grüße,
2T&AC

Jammy Javelin

I have been so inspired by the Olympic games that I have been adopting a competitive spirit to my regular home life.
For example:

-I did a 2 1/2 somersalt 1 twist pike to get into bed last night. I earned a respectible 8.5 from the judge (me).
-I threw all of our dishes as far as 21.35 meters out the window in an impressive 13.20 seconds to win the gold.
-I sprinted from one end of the apartment to the other in an astonishing 2.2 seconds to win another gold.

(I used the element of surprise and didn't tell my wife we were competing, therefore guaranteeing victory in all categories)

Feel free to join in with your own home competition! That's the Spirit of the Olympics™.

You're Not Nuts! 10

nasco aircraft brake B-727, rotor 717001-2, 18.2 lbs. (all dash numbers of B-747 brakes 2601902, 2602012, 2605392, 2605155, 2605662)

Regarding Porter

Do White House officials even know what hearsay means?

Jokes Are Funny 4

A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

Because You Asked

Dear P!nk,

You were the last to know because you are a poochy-faced bubble-head and I hate you. Also, I thought it would hurt you more if I told everyone else first. Glad to see my plan worked!

Sincerely.
2T&AC

Lucy

Lucy? Lucy, come girl! Come on! Bring me the stick! Good girl, good girl! Who's the good girl? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Give me the stick now. C'mon, girl. C'mon Lucy, give me the stick. Give it to me. Give it to me. Good girl! Who's the good girl? You are! Yes! Yes, Lucy, you're a good girl. Now, I'll throw it again... Go get the stick! Go get it! Go Lucy! Go get the stick and bring it to me! Good girl...

You're Not Nuts! 9

copa cabana outline flower stretch velvet jacket dress B10798

Jokes Are Funny 3

The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Sonntag Abends um 20:15, Sat 1

I got the key to your heart on a Family Date.

I'm Super-Freaking Out

Ok, sure. Cartier-Bresson I can accept. I mean-- fucker was in spitting distance of a century. But Rick James dies on the 59th anniversary of the atomic bomb being dropped on Hiroshima...? Give me a break! Is anyone else thinking "high-level government diversionary techniques"? I mean, come on.

Best Rock Lyrics Ever® 35

you give me head
it makes it worse
take out your fucking retainer
put it in your purse

Shayna, Now 8

"It was very painful. He just ripped the skin off. After that, I was afraid to go outside. I hate monkeys now. There should be no monkeys in the world."

Jokes Are Funny 2

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Reminder

Don't pay the ferryman until you get to the other side.

Jokes Are Funny 1

A: Wave to her.