Toddlers Blinded By Furious Passion

For many in religious circles, the ultimate question is not the long-pondered, "Did Jesus really write the Bible with his left foot while 'bumping uglies' with Mary Magdalene?" but rather, "Is it possible to get bumps on your head from using a trimmer to cut hair that's been used by someone else with bumps?" Well, finally a definitive answer to both questions has been found in a recently-discovered scroll said to have been defiled by Moses more than 100 million millennia ago during his third and final exploration of Mars. With the knowledge acquired from this scroll, we can now determine the answers to these questions and many others with an astonishing and frightening degree of accuracy. Questions such as "Why does grandmother always smell like tonsils?" and "Who stuck all the black jelly beans to the wall behind the couch?" can now be answered without controversy or fear of reprisal.

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