Please Refrain From Canoodl- And Cajol- ing

But be sure not to hang the curtains with standard curtain-hanging materials—they are far too heavy! This fabric contains a new carbon-steel alloy which will protect your home against not only the horrors and damage of direct sunlight, it will also provide an excellent shield in the event of low levels of nuclear fallout outside your window, and can be programmed to play “Silent Night” during the Xmas-holidays, or even shriek like a banshee in heat at loud, random intervals to surprise the kids at Halloween.

Not only that, but the assistants of TVs Celebrity Bowling, Bill Buneta, Bobby Cooper, and/or Dave Davis have, with the help of a team of some of the best lawyers money can buy, created a document which not only repeatedly and vehemently states their innocence in the so-called “Heavy Duck-Cake Change” incident in Rattle Bay earlier this year, but also claims their undying allegiance to this product.

Frogs Part 1 (Excerpt) (buy)