When I Grow Up, I Want To Write Text Message Horoscopes For Cell Phones

Some Handy Advice Tipps & Advice™ from your friends at 2T&AC:

1. Never run, ever. Especially if it’s an emergency.

2. If you get poop on your hands—no matter whose it is—you should wash it off.

3. Never trust a man who keeps change in his wallet.

4. Never trust a woman who wears jewelry above the elbow.

Scott Walker “Jackie” (buy)

Devoid Of Typhoid

25 weasels standing in a row?
-not likely.

25 rounds of cold K-Beer Light Beer: Beer Gift Baskets Beer Machine Beer Making Beer Club Beer Magazine Brew your own beer Boddingtons Boon Framboise Lambic Boon Framboise Marriage Parfait Boon Gueuze Lambic Boon Kriek Lambic Chimay Grand Reserve Trappist Chimay Premier Trappist Copper Dragon Blonde Copper Dragon IPA Corona Corsendonk Brown Ale Dogfish Head Midas Touch Fuller's English Ale Guiness La Trappe Trappist Ale Lindemans Cuvee Renee Lindemans Framboise Lambic Lindemans Kriek Cherry Malheur Belgium Beer New Belgium Newcastle Brown Ale Smirnoff Ice Westmalle Trappist Ale Triple One Share of Bud Beer Boxer Shorts Beer Clothes Beer Neckties Books about Beer Draft Beer Equipment?

-now that’s talking football.

Spacklequeen “Eggs Eggs, Arms Legs” (buy)

Band Name Suggestion: Toxic Eclipse

Randy Bachman was really just hitting his stride when he formed Ironhorse.

I have three matching, sparkly, pale blue unitards and headbands. Wanna disco dance?

Die Plattenbörse ist wirklich im Schwimmbad? Echt?

Françoise Hardy “Qui Peut Dire” (buy)

Penal System Stands In Opposition To Syrian Pullout

"The trade off for these fabulous Arctic summers you will spend at my house," my uncle would say, "is mind-bending plagues of mosquitoes that sting and the constant waves of mental anguish beamed by microwaves at all times during the day directly into your brain. We look forward to your visit."

Duke Ellington and his Orchestra “Such Sweet Thunder” (buy)

To Have Dumped Four Times

Top 5:

1. Wo sind die verrückten Girls aus Ost-Thüringen?
2. Don’t worry— the bosses are quitting.
3. hunger-driven misdirection
4. Strangeways riots
5. pocket pachinko

Giampiero Boneschi “New Situation” (buy)

Coated With Wham!

Dear Dick A. Assdick,

Did you ever notice that it is extremely embarassing give somebody wrong directions by accident, but also extremely satisfying to give someone wrong directions on purpose?

Sincerely,
2T&AC

Mavi Isiklar “Ask Cicegi” (info)

Big Rewards Coming Yore Way

Then the boy died and was reborn. He raised a flock of cattle from fetus to lunchmeat. He re-read the Encyclopedia Brittanica. He learned to write his name using only his toes on his left feet and a leaf. He was married three or four times. He walked across the ocean after it all turned to sand. And even after all of this, they were still talking about popes.

Eduard Artemiev “Untitled (Excerpt from Solaris)” (buy)

Jokes Are Funny 10

The first man says, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

Pram “I’m A War” (buy)

Syruptitiously

If you are considering walking around government buildings carrying two suitcases, I would recommend wearing something colorful—you know: spring-ish.

Wendy Rene “After Laughter (Comes Tears)” (buy)

10 Year-Old In A Stroller

Johnny Bunny was walking through the forest one day when he smelled something funny. Not funny ha-ha, but funny strange. He decided it was nothing—maybe just a chemical plant or something—and continued walking.

This heart-warming story comes as Nigerian Government® Video Games, Inc. is struggling to crack down on official corruption, fraud and money laundering, and is brought to you by Crest® Whitening Plus Scope Minty Fresh Striped Paste-- The added Scope gives you that icy, fresh breath while fighting ravers and hippies!

Mixed Group From Pisarovina “Ja Posijem Lane” (buy)

New1_No1_Or_Not

I’m newly numb, but only in protracted, pallor-inducing, party-type situations. But not for naught! Nein, nicht mit mir. No, nearly none of the contestants clearly corroborated the desired details of digits and doubts. Far from it, in fact! Consider the calamity of con-man conundrums and countless ‘can-camping-cure-cancer?’ contemplations, and you will yearn for your yellow yardstick out of sheer, shameless, charlatan, youthful yammering.

Älgarnas Trägård “Viriditas” (buy)

Yesferatu

Co-worker to 2T&AC: Can you please give me some toothpaste? I just got herpes.
2T&AC to co-worker: Sure.

H.B. Barnum “Fun Lovin’ Rap” (buy)

I Expect Your Delusion On My Desk By Morning

"I wasn't thinking about E. Coli so much at the time, but I certainly didn't want them eating fair-to-middling food, so I thought popcorn, ice cream and gravel would be safe," said owner of the local convenience store, Com N’ Go, Katrimaysun Flandres. "I tried to avoid having the kids eat the hot dogs and corn dogs, especially the ones I dropped on the floor. But who would've thought the animals...?"

Clout “Substitute" (buy)

Beans And Power Soup

Every time Zombie Pope® eats another baby’s brain, a butterfly loses its wings.

Asep Sunandar Sunarya and Giri Harja III “Lagu Perang and Dialog” (buy)

Cell-Level Damage Forms Whimsical Pattern

I remember how grandma always used to sit us down in a circle around the burning garbage or witches and tell us, “Some common extruded products include drinking straws, molding strips, hose and tubing, seamless gutters, window frames, and vinyl siding.” Naturally, we would all be sucking on our treats and other things, listening intently, dreaming of the day we could tell our own children about goats and stuff.

Rose Maddox “My Rose of Old Kentucky” (buy)

Doin' The Streak

Studies have shown that monkeys can control a computer with electrodes implanted into their brain. Despite that, there's a still unexplained "brown stain" found within the science canister. The Dream Team™ has made an effort to characterize the thickness of the mystery tarnish with rulers and similar items.

Boubacar Diagne “N’Diouck” (buy)