A Message From Terrified, CEO of 2T&AC

Hello beloved reader(s),

In an effort to bring you only the finest words and other stuff, we here at 2T&AC are forced to move our enormous Text Generation Device from our headquartes in Kabul to someplace nicer, like, oh, I don't know, Zürich or something. Unfortunately, we must make this move by carting every brick individually by hand to the new location. As you might imagine, this could end up being quite time-consuming.

What this all means to you is that posts will be irregular if they come at all between now and approximately 15 Dec. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you and your loved ones.

In the meantime, please submit questions to Dr. Two Trombones And A Crossbow via the comments or the email link on the right-hand side of this page. They will all be answered from the swanky confines of our new digs.

Thank you for your patronage, and we look forward to your future visits.

With heart quickly beating,
Terrified
CEO, 2T&AC

Ask Dr. Two Trombones And A Crossbow

Johnny Successful: What is wrong when your arms and legs hurt when they are lightly squeezed feeling like they will bruise?
Dr. Two Trombones And A Crossbow: Sounds like something bad, but I'm not sure what you could do about it.

Sally Winthrop: Could a lump on the back be connected with a severe neck problem?
Dr. Two Trombones And A Crossbow: That’s a good question.

Fantasia McGillicuddy: If your back aches do the back muscles affect the area around your neck and throat and make you feel like the throat is being pulled up?
Dr. Two Trombones And A Crossbow: You should go to a sports injury specialist or something. On your way back, could you pick me up a smoothie?

The Sea Ensemble “Snake Creeps Down” (buy)

Satin Grief

Johnny Silver of one-one-two-two Boogie Woogie Avenue won this afternoon’s roast beef eating contest with an astounding 73.75 pounds of roast beef ingested in less than 20 seconds. As followers of the sport are well aware, the rule change this year allowing contestants to additionally force more food into their bodies by way of feeding tube or I.V has contributed to the huge increase in meatability. Additionally, a contestant is allowed to use any number of tubes at once, and many contestants, including Johnny Silver, have chosen a charged-up version of the tube that delivers food to the body at the same speed a nail gun delivers a nail, so many experts predict the winning numbers will climb even higher.

Vain “Beat The Bullet” (buy)

Lustectomy, $2

The host of TVs Spin-Off, Jim Lange: I was just going to learn it on the recorder, but if you want to make a midi version of it, that’s even better.
Oksana Baiul: What are you talking about? I asked what you were going to wear to bible study class…
The host of TVs Spin-Off, Jim Lange: Well, I have recently had a private revelation-slash-revolution, and if they can’t make a midi version of bible study class, then I don’t want to go.
Oksana Baiul: Fudge.

Tomorrow “Auntie Mary’s Dress Shop” (buy)

Vanishing Tooth

The restructuring of the enforced dimple industry, to the extent that it will affect the door price of Curlie Dimple and the Bucket Calves, and the participation in and growth of the kids with crooked haircuts industry, will no doubt impact on the whole club scene. Producers and consumers alike use electricity, but Curlie Dimple and the Bucket Calves will be playing a special all-acoustic set, so don’t worry about it.

Henry Jacobs “Rhythm Study #8” (buy)

She Wears Unflattering Clothes And Walks Like A Psycho

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following the announcement by a team of leading scientists who claimed to have found definitive proof of a connection between the handling of currency and the probability of catching or spreading a contagious disease like the Bird Flu™, Interior Minister of Avoiding Sicknesses, Dr. Michael Salinger announced in a press conference today that in an effort to avoid the passing of contagious diseases, every country in the world must immediately stop the exchange of money.

The bill was swiftly made law this afternoon, and despite no country in the world having an alternate plan in place, the world wide money ban takes effect tomorrow at 3:17 Central Iceland time.

Medical English for German Doctors “House Calls Part 1 – Dr. Cox & Jilly” (buy)

After Olestra, Absolutely Abhorrent

The host of TVs Give-n-Take, Jim Lange: How would I even know if this shit was ripe?
Greg Evigan: There are several easy-to-use tests that you can buy over-the-counter at your nearest druggist.
The host of TVs Give-n-Take, Jim Lange: Thanks buddy. Now how’s about you stop looking so crabby around the cracks and let’s play some motherfucking cribbage!
Greg Evigan: Now you’re talking like a formerly-blind minstral!

Studio 11 Featuring Harmonia Vocal & MHV String Orchestra "Eldorado" (bunnies)

Captain Grabby Hands

Dear Tanya Tucker,

Today for lunch, I ate mango chutney, yellow mustard, mayonnaise, granulated sugar, under-ripe cauliflower, and syrup in a cone. It was good or whatever. I don’t know—I wasn’t really paying attention. I was really distracted by the fire and screaming and emergency vehicles and helicopters and running and stuff. Somehow, thankfully, I managed to keep the entirety of my lunch in the cone. Now my stool looks a little bit unusual, but I think that has more to do with getting kicked in the stomach by that guy than with anything else.

Also, the chainsaw dance lessons are going OK. Not a lot of students yet, but I think business will pick up after the execution tomorrow.

Beast wishes,
2T&AC

Ice Cube “Once Upon a Time in the Projects” (buy)

Look Victor, The Fill Isn't Very Good

Ow!
What?
Ow!
What?
Ow!
What?
Ow!
What?
Ow!
What?
Ow!
What?
…my diseased stub of a prehensile tail, you stepped on my diseased stub of a prehensile tail...
Oh.

Barbara Morgenstern “Im Flug” (buy)