Saturday, June 04, 2005

A Pile Of Dildos And Manure

This one time, when I was young, I won a contest at a local supermarket to have lunch with Telly Savalas by estimating the number of gumballs a specially-bred Columbian milk-cow could eat in 15 days. Of course, I was so excited to meet Columbo himself! Anyway, as it turns out, it was in a deli, and Telly sat with his crew at a table, and I sat a few tables away and ate alone as they laughed it up and raped whom- and what- ever they wanted. Naturally, I felt more than a little bummed out about this until I noticed Abe Vigoda walking in! Now the shit was gonna go down! As everyone knows, Vigoda and Savalas were sworn blood enemies, and they immediately picked up anything they could use as a weapon upon spotting the other. So Savalas started circling the table holding a half-filled bottle of ketchup in one hand, and a stuffed mouse toy in the other. (I don’t know where the mouse toy came from) Vigoda actually ripped a bar stool from the floor and started swinging it around his head and growling like a hyaena-ized spider monkey.

And then I guess some other stuff happened—I don’t know, I guess my dad took me home or something. Want some Pez?

Grease 2 Original Cast “Reproduction” (buy)

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