Voice Over Announcer: Hello and welcome to the Silver Anniversary™ of Best Rock Lyrics Ever®! That's right-- it has been 25 entries already; my how time flies. But we are not here to reminisce, we are here to PARTY! So let's bring out our first guest, the queen of laffs, the mistress of the accordian, you know her from her numerous TV appearances and specials... Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm Best Rock Lyrics Ever® welcome to the lovely and talented Miss Judy Tenuta!!
Judy: Thanks to you Bob, and thanks to the entire staff of Best Rock Lyrics Ever® for (unintelligible) tonight...
(nervous laughter, applause, as security escorts Ms. Tenuta to the nearest exit)
Voice Over Announcer: And thank you Judy, but let us not dilly-dally any longer! Let's bring out the presenter of our twenty-fifth edition of Best Rock Lyrics Ever®, everyone's favorite dim-witted cabby/boxer, not to mention sometime host of the Miss America™ Pageant, the witty and irascible MISTER TONY DANZA!
Tony: Thank you too, Turney. Well, this is the moment we have all waited for, so let's not waste time. Tonight's special entry comes to us from a delightful and talented group of bumpkins from deep in the mid-western US of fuckin A!!! That's right, the band that spawned Sonic Youth's long time drummer Steve Shelley and countless other notable performers! You guessed it, this Best Rock Lyric Ever® comes to us courtesy of that police-baiting group of funsters: The Crucifucks!
(Wild applause)
Please, please! I know-- I feel the same, but we really have to present this award, as this Elks' lodge is booked for a Boy Scout troop in about 3 minutes... Anyway everyone sit back, close your eyes, and let yourself be transported back to a simpler time, 1984, as you hear the selected lyrics as read by Ms. Morgan's fourth-grade creative writing outstanding student, Mary Mckinley!
(smattering of applause; wild whoops from Mary's parents)
Mary: (obviously nervous) Thanks, Tony Danza.
(clears throat)
i'd like to take the president
chop off his head
and mail it to them in a garbage bag!
hinckley had a vision!
Thank you.
(moderate to wild applause)
Tony: Well, I'm afraid those Boy Scouts aren't going to wait forever! But they might share some of their lemonade if we ask nicely!
(laughter)
Thanks for coming everybody!
Good night!
(Blows kisses)
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